Vernon Gaunt
06-07-2007, 04:02 PM
Hokum Magazine
?The Heavy?
Following the recent revelation of Adrian Paul diversification into British Gangster Movies, Hokum Magazine were invited to visit a secret location in the East End of London. I parked my car outside what looked like a large disused factory unit along side three Ford Cortina?s and two Ford Transit vans.
I knocked on the large green door and waited.
?Yeah!?
?Mountebank! Film critic!?
?Sorted, you?re here for a barbering??
?If you say so!?
?Well hold tight geeze I?ll just spec you out!?
He picked up the ameche and began to chin! ? Ello! There?s a nance out eer says he?s a newshog! Eh! Yeah! Has a monicker, yeah! Mountebank!? He replaced the phone.
?You come by rattler geeze??
I began to get into the swing of things and was glad I?d checked out the lingo the night before.
?Nah! Geeze? I offered him a butt, ?My bucket?s outside.? He gave me back my deck and I followed him into the main area where there was a central table illuminated by a single lamp. Four men were sitting around. Each had a glass of corn and were bantering eagerly.
?Dip the bill Mountebank??
?Sure.?
?Heah you been at the gooseberry lay??
?Nah!? I answered. I glaumed me glad rags from some goon on the Old Kent road they cost me a wad.
I took a shot of my giggle juice and listened to the plot. Some high pillow name Vinnie began to talk.
?OK after hitting the pipes AP you?ll chuck an ing bing, waft your shooter and blow a couple of goons away.? I nodded approval, this sounded most profane to me.
?Jakaloo,? replied AP and swigged at his Java.
?Meantime I?m goin ta call the Johns and we?ll expect a Paddy Wagon to come winging down the frog init!
?Sorted!?
This may seem a little strange to you readers but this is exactly what I?d expect the Old Bill to do.
?Hey Vinnie,? shouted AP, "I?m a suit! I don?t pack heat do I?"
?I suppose you want me to rub out the pro skirt that?s going to grass you up, savvy??
?Just how much of a skater is she Vinnie??
?Big time!?
?Well your slant sounds cool!? They all looked at AP and screamed ?Cooooooollllll !! What kind of spitting is that? You ain?t skate boarding!?
? I thought AP would throw a Joe at this point but he maintained his composure and began to tighten the screw.
?Listen geeze,? He continued, ?your tooting the wrong ringer I?m a pro you know!?
?Gordon Bennett! he?s right, chuck him a katana and he?ll wax any one.?
Was I beginning to loose the plot? Nope I understood every word they said.
?OK traps shut! Time for some action.? Shouted Vinnie.
A tall man brandishing a clapperboard walked in. ?Now boys I think it?s about time we did a little filming don?t you?" He said in a soft smooth voice. ?All this talking isn?t going to get one anywhere now is it mmm? You?ve had your fun and now it?s time to earn your wages.
Vinnie would you please stop staring at me and you AP, well! you should know better having a professional film career behind you. Now come along boys drink up your drinks and say goodbye to the nice film critic. Hurry now lads time is money you know! This isn't a footbal match now is it?"
The man with the clapper board left, leaving us all sitting at the table.
Vinnie turned to AP and said, ?What was he talking about bro.?
?No idea Vince my mate!? said AP. ?Who was he anyway??
?The director chuchy!?
?Oh!?
This hadn?t been at all what I?d expected. There was no time for interviews and as for the catering, well! Pie and eels isn?t my idea of Hote Cuisine. Still the warm beer was good and the crew seemed to do nothing but laugh. The signs of a happy set I would proffer.
Later on that day I was treated to a highspeed car chase as the cast settled down to race one another with a slot car game. Oh the riggers of being an actor in the UK! It was fun !fun! fun! all the way.
I left the unit shooting a couple of love scenes. Vinnie and AP make a lovely couple!
I. M. A Mountebank.
?The Heavy?
Following the recent revelation of Adrian Paul diversification into British Gangster Movies, Hokum Magazine were invited to visit a secret location in the East End of London. I parked my car outside what looked like a large disused factory unit along side three Ford Cortina?s and two Ford Transit vans.
I knocked on the large green door and waited.
?Yeah!?
?Mountebank! Film critic!?
?Sorted, you?re here for a barbering??
?If you say so!?
?Well hold tight geeze I?ll just spec you out!?
He picked up the ameche and began to chin! ? Ello! There?s a nance out eer says he?s a newshog! Eh! Yeah! Has a monicker, yeah! Mountebank!? He replaced the phone.
?You come by rattler geeze??
I began to get into the swing of things and was glad I?d checked out the lingo the night before.
?Nah! Geeze? I offered him a butt, ?My bucket?s outside.? He gave me back my deck and I followed him into the main area where there was a central table illuminated by a single lamp. Four men were sitting around. Each had a glass of corn and were bantering eagerly.
?Dip the bill Mountebank??
?Sure.?
?Heah you been at the gooseberry lay??
?Nah!? I answered. I glaumed me glad rags from some goon on the Old Kent road they cost me a wad.
I took a shot of my giggle juice and listened to the plot. Some high pillow name Vinnie began to talk.
?OK after hitting the pipes AP you?ll chuck an ing bing, waft your shooter and blow a couple of goons away.? I nodded approval, this sounded most profane to me.
?Jakaloo,? replied AP and swigged at his Java.
?Meantime I?m goin ta call the Johns and we?ll expect a Paddy Wagon to come winging down the frog init!
?Sorted!?
This may seem a little strange to you readers but this is exactly what I?d expect the Old Bill to do.
?Hey Vinnie,? shouted AP, "I?m a suit! I don?t pack heat do I?"
?I suppose you want me to rub out the pro skirt that?s going to grass you up, savvy??
?Just how much of a skater is she Vinnie??
?Big time!?
?Well your slant sounds cool!? They all looked at AP and screamed ?Cooooooollllll !! What kind of spitting is that? You ain?t skate boarding!?
? I thought AP would throw a Joe at this point but he maintained his composure and began to tighten the screw.
?Listen geeze,? He continued, ?your tooting the wrong ringer I?m a pro you know!?
?Gordon Bennett! he?s right, chuck him a katana and he?ll wax any one.?
Was I beginning to loose the plot? Nope I understood every word they said.
?OK traps shut! Time for some action.? Shouted Vinnie.
A tall man brandishing a clapperboard walked in. ?Now boys I think it?s about time we did a little filming don?t you?" He said in a soft smooth voice. ?All this talking isn?t going to get one anywhere now is it mmm? You?ve had your fun and now it?s time to earn your wages.
Vinnie would you please stop staring at me and you AP, well! you should know better having a professional film career behind you. Now come along boys drink up your drinks and say goodbye to the nice film critic. Hurry now lads time is money you know! This isn't a footbal match now is it?"
The man with the clapper board left, leaving us all sitting at the table.
Vinnie turned to AP and said, ?What was he talking about bro.?
?No idea Vince my mate!? said AP. ?Who was he anyway??
?The director chuchy!?
?Oh!?
This hadn?t been at all what I?d expected. There was no time for interviews and as for the catering, well! Pie and eels isn?t my idea of Hote Cuisine. Still the warm beer was good and the crew seemed to do nothing but laugh. The signs of a happy set I would proffer.
Later on that day I was treated to a highspeed car chase as the cast settled down to race one another with a slot car game. Oh the riggers of being an actor in the UK! It was fun !fun! fun! all the way.
I left the unit shooting a couple of love scenes. Vinnie and AP make a lovely couple!
I. M. A Mountebank.