Your Giggle for the Day

[Barney]

Attorneys please take no offense. (I have 2 friends that are attorneys so I have nothing against attorneys)

The following are from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts". They are things people have actually said in court, word for word, recorded by court clerks. It had to have been hard to stifle their smiles while typing these up.
__________________________________________________ ____________

Attorney: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
Witness: I forget.
Attorney: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
Witness: No, I forget.
__________________________________________________ ____________

Attorney: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
Witness: He said, Where am I Cathy?
Attorney: And why did that upset you?
Witness: My name is Susan!
__________________________________________________ ____________

Attorney: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Witness: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
__________________________________________________ ____________

Attorney: The youngest son, the twenty-one year old, how old is he?
Witness: Uh, he's twenty-one.
__________________________________________________ ____________

Attorney: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Witness: Are you shitt'in me?
__________________________________________________ ____________

Attorney: She had three children. right?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: How many were boys?
Witness: None.
Attorney: Were there any girls?
Witness: Are you kidding? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
__________________________________________________ ___________

Attorney: How was your first marriage terminated?
Witness: By death.
Attorney: And by whose death was it terminated?
Witness: Now, whose death do you suppose terminated it?
__________________________________________________ ____________

Attorney: Can you describe the individual?
Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Attorney: Was this a male or a female?
Witness: Guess.
__________________________________________________ ___________

Attorney: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
Witness: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
__________________________________________________ ___________

Attorney: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
Witness: The autopsy started around 8:30 pm.
Attorney: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
Witness: No, he was sitting on the table, wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
__________________________________________________ _____________

Attorney: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Witness: Huh...are you qualified to ask that question?
__________________________________________________ _____________

And finally,
Attorney: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Witness: No.
Attorney: Did you check for blood pressure?
Witness: No.
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Witness: No.
Attorney: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Witness: No.
Attorney: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Attorney: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
Witness: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law!
__________________________________________________ _____________

I hope one of these gave you a chuckle, something we all need from time to time.:)
__________________________________________________ ____________

[Littledevil]

Oh yes, love them. Here is a little something for you. My sister is going through a messy divorce. Any how, she received a letter from her husbands sister who they were renting a house from. In the letter, dated October 26, 2008, stated that my sister had until "November 30, 3008 to vacate the premises." We are framing the letter!:D

[brilliant!MacLeod]

HI, you know that I´m a lawyer myself,so here is s.th. from the lawyer´s office:
Emma wants a dicorce.So she ´s seeing a divorce specialist.He tells her it´s going to be difficult and askes:"Is your husband beating you?" "NO"
"Does he drink a lot?" "NO". " Is he involved with other women?" Emma is now excited and says:"We finally got him! One of our kids is not his!!!":D

No further comment ...

[hcla]

LMAO....thats greatI was dealing with some Lawyers awhile back...to make along story short, as an advocate for anyone in my care, I arrgued that a person who is demented, and incapacitated doas not have the ability to hire a new lawyer...that he should'nt be allowed to collect a hefty retainer, when the person does'nt know what shes doing...nevertheless, the lawyers won, when I got the Doc. involved, he rolled his eyes...and flabergasted he said.."you know what Cromwell did don't you"?, I did'nt at the time...He said..." well, he drowned 1000 of them." AHHH... doctors and lawyers...gotta love them.:D

[brilliant!MacLeod]

This is why you love me,too,isn´t it?(I´m a lawyer and hubby ´s a doctor - what an awful couple!!!:D)
But I have a doctors joke as well:
The patient is sitting in front of the doctor, telling him:"You know, nobody´s ever paying attention to me or listen to what I say.."
The doctor,impatiently, calling his assistent :"What´s wrong, why didn´t you send the next patient in?":confused:

And another story from the lwyer´s office:
After the hearing the lawyer is calling his client and telling him triumphantly:
" justice is finally done!" The client ,with a loud and disgusting groan:"You have to appeal immediately!!"
Have a successful day!!!

[hcla]

Yeah...brilliantMcCloud...love you too....I be crazy not to love lawyers...what would happen if I needed one...:eek: heak...he or she would be my best friend. I don't think you are an odd couple...boy thats team work at its best. The Doctor I work with alot is German....and over the years he has compared our systems here to Germany/Europe...he does'nt seem to care much for all the red tape bulls..t...here...he's a wonderful Doctor, and brilliant, excellent bedside manner, his whole approach is so much different then many of the American Doctors...and I've worked with alot. He also truly treats older folks with much respect and care...where often I've seen docs. kind of blow them off with an attitude like "your old and I have better things to do" I can't say his name due to confidentialality....but I wish we had more Doctors like him. Too bad he's married...:D

[Sam]

:DThose were funny!!
I love you too Alex and the hubby ain't a bad guy either.
I have a funny story for you. (I have a good joke too but I'll have to post it at Mooseville cause I don't think I can post it here.)

You know you're in trouble when...
In the OB-Gyn office a woman is discussing her upcoming hysterectomy with the doctor... with her feet in stirrups... only slightly covered by a thin sheet of paper....the doctor peers up from between her legs to answer her questions....then as the doctor is rushing out the door...calls over her shoulder to the patient..."Now what drug was that I was supposed to write you a prescription for??" :eek::D

[Sam]

*2008's First Christmas Joke*
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the> pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked,
'And just what do those symbolize?'
The man replied, 'These are Carols.'
*And So The Christmas Season Begins......* :D

[Littledevil]

Those were great

[Sam]

NAG,NAG,NAG

An attorney arrived home late after a very tough
> day trying to get a
> stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for
> murder at
> midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the
> governor had failed
> and he was feeling worn out and depressed. As soon as he
> walked through
> the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What
> time of night to
> be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is
> cold and I'm
> not reheating it'. And on and on and on.
>
> Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar
> ritual, he went
> and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a
> long hot soak
> in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic
> remarks as he
> dragged himself up the stairs.
>
> While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife
> answered and was
> told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been
> granted a stay
> of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged
> tonight.
> Go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the
> bathroom
> door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent
> over naked,
> drying his legs and feet.
>
> 'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
>
> To which he whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE
> OF GOD, WOMAN,
> DON'T YOU EVER STOP?'

:D

[appeace]

:eek::o:D

[Coolwater]

Oh, that's the best yet!

[Littledevil]

:eek::D Very funny!!!

[Sam]

:D Bryant,Wanda and I were just kickin it at the pub over in Moose Village and having a bit of holiday cheer. So I thought we should share some with you folks.

[Sam]

:(Well I guess I thought wrong...again.

[appeace]

I cant drink eggnog, but if you have a glass of red wine---Im there!;)
Merriest of Christmases to all--:D

[EvanStar4506]

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush
restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady
swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table.

The wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-wife. She took to
drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear
she hasn't been sober since."

"My goodness!" says the wife. "Who would think a person
could go on celebrating that long?"

[EvanStar4506]

Oh, wait! I have one more...


In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the
Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli,
cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red
vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live
long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and
Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan
said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yes!"
and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it,
add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds.
And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might
keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan
brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar
from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from
size 6 to size 18.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad."
And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing,
buttery croutonsand garlic toast on the side.
And Man and Woman unfastened their belts
following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy
vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them."
AndSatan brought forth deep fried fish and
chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.

And Man gained more weight and
his cholesterol went through the roof.
God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it
"Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good."

Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children
might lose those extra pounds.

And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels.
And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in
fat and brimming with nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them.
And Man gained pounds.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume
fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.

And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger.
Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes!
And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good."

And Man went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created HMOs.

[EvanStar4506]

All answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of ?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use
string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1.My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms & dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of
plastic surgery
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd GET rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.