Jokes

[scooby]

Guaranteed chat-up line put downs in a sarcy brit way!

Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Hiding from you.

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

[Vernon Gaunt]

Mmmm

Woman "I dreamt about you last night."
Man, "Did you?"
Woman "No you wouldn't let me!"

[Dian Rainier]

How we without a spartan diet to enter in a norm?

It is known that the sex is the best means for weight loss as well without doubt most nice. Noting using calories at the intimate action was not made scientifically so far. After in depth and hour investigation the following bowling scores are being printed :

Slipping clothings :
with her complaisance: 12 calories
without her complaisance: 2087 calories and going to the hospital
Taking a brassiere :
with the two arms: 12 calories
with one arm: 24 calories
with teeth: 512 calories
Grounding a condom :
with an erection: 6 calories
without an erection: 4100 calories
Preliminary attempts: to be located the clitoris: 8 calories
to be located The G-point: 2500 calories
Airses:
a missionary: 75 calories
of pose-69 lies: 140 calories
69- standing: 900 calories
doglike: 300 calories
an italian mirror: 2500 calories
An orgasm :
Real : 120 calories
false : 1285 calories
Actions after the orgasm:
a apparent caressing in weaponries:18 calories
Fast stand up: 46 calories
of explanation Why you stand up too fast: 740 calories
second erection : if you are :
20-29 years 36 calories
30-39 years 80 calories
40-49 years 124 calories
50-59 years 1972 calories
60-69 years 7916 calories
more than 70 years-The attempts continue
A dressing:
calmly 30 calories
fast- 80 calories
If her father pings in the door 5120 calories
If your wife is on the door 11258 calories.
:D :p

[scooby]

DON'T LAUGH UNTIL YOU FIND OUT WHAT YOUR NEW NAME IS ..

We all need a little stress-reliever! This only takes a minute. Sometimes when you have a stressful day or week, you need some silliness to break up the day. If we are honest, we have a lot more stressful days than not. Here is your dose of humour...

Follow the instructions to find your new name.

The following is excerpted from a children's book, Captain Underpants And the Perilous Plot Professor Poopypants, by Dave Pilkey, in which the evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names...
So: -

1. Use the third letter of your first name to determine your New first name:

a = snickle
b = doombah
c = goober
d = cheesey
e = crusty
f = greasy
g = dumbo
h = farcus
i = dorky
j = doofus
k = funky
l = boobie
m = sleezy
n = sloopy
o = fluffy
p = stinky
q = slimy
r = dorfus
s = snooty
t = tootsie
u = dipsy
v = sneezy
w = liver
x = skippy
y = dinky
z = zippy

2. Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your new last name:

a = dippin
b = feather
c = batty
d = burger
e = chicken
f = barffy
g = lizard
h = waffle
i = farkle
j = monkey
k = flippin
l = fricken
m = bubble
n = rhino
o = potty
p = hamster
q = buckle
r = gizzard
s = lickin
t = snickle
u = chuckle
v = pickle
w = hubble
x = dingle
y = gorilla
z = girdle

3. Use the third letter of your last name to determine the second half of your new last name:

a = butt
b = boob
c = face
d = nose
e = hump
f = breath
g = pants
h = shorts
i = lips
j = honker
k = head
l = tush
m = chunks
n = dunkin
o = brains
p = biscuits
q = toes
r = doodle
s = fanny
t = sniffer
u = sprinkles
v = frack
w = squirt
x = humperdinck
y = hiney
z = juice

Thus, for example, George W. Bush's new name is:
Fluffy Chucklefanny.

Remember that children laugh an average of 146 times a day; adults laugh an average of 4 times a day. Put more laughter in your day.

BTW I'm Crusty Potty-Fanny

[Vernon Gaunt]

BTW I'm Crusty Potty-Fanny


Well you would be wouldn't you Sue. Want some ointment?

[elaine]

Snickle Dippin-tush here! Hummm--interesting, interesting!

[hlndr]

Farcus Pottyshorts

What the heck kinda name is Farcus?:rolleyes: :cool:

[scooby]

Well you would be wouldn't you Sue. Want some ointment?

Revenge VG, I did your for you, Dipsy Dippindoodle, :D I quite like it though

[Qigong Enigma2]

Sloopy Dippin-Butt....Hmmmm ...Think I'll make it official!!!
Fab post Scooby!!!

[TinaMarie]

Farcus Pottyshorts

What the heck kinda name is Farcus?:rolleyes: :cool:


Thats funny!
mine is SLOOPY GIZZARD LIPS..EWW!!

[najones]

Dorfus PottyDunkin here. (I'm just happy to have "Dunkin" in my name, which is somewhat akin to Duncan.:) )

Lessee, Duncan MacLeod --> Sloopy DippinFace
and Adrian Paul --> Dorfus DippinSprinkles

Hmmm... Adrian and I would have the same first name.:p

[Dian Rainier]

I am Snickle Farkle -chunks- anything is meaning of this?
Sorry,had lost in the translation!:eek: This isn't something indecent ,please say me that isn't?:D

[scooby]

I am Snickle Farkle -chunks- anything is meaning of this?
Sorry,had lost in the translation!:eek: This isn't something indecent ,please say me that isn't?:D

:D Nope nothing rude in that,

Can I try a chunk of your snickle farkle please!

[fgh2157]

Hi Everyone
Well I am fluffy farkel-doodle, well thats not too bad i guess.
Fi

[TinaMarie]

I thought this was funny...

>WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
>She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
>Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
>Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
>Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
>And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
>WOMEN'S REVENGE
>"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman
>wished to
>purchase.
>As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a
>television set in
>her purse.
>"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
>"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with
>me,
>and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him
>legally."
>UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
>(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
>I know I'm not going to understand women.
>I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
>pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
>and still be afraid of a spider.
>MARRIAGE SEMINAR
>While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
>Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
>"It is essential that husbands and wives know each others likes and
>dislikes."
>He addressed the man,
>"Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
>Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's
>Pillsbury,
>isn't it?
>CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
>A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
>The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
>He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
>She directs him down the correct aisle.
>A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton
>balls and a ball of string on the counter.
>She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some
>tampons for your
>wife?
>He answers, " You see, it's like this,
>yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of
>cigarettes,
>and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling
>papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
>So, I figure if I have to roll my own ......... so does she.
>( I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton! )
>WIFE VS. HUSBAND
>A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a
>word.
>An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
>neither of them wanted to concede their position.
>As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
>the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
>"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
>W O R D S
>A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use
>a day...
>30,000 to a man's 15,000.
>The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat
>everything to
>men...
>The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
>CREATION
>A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
>so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
>" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
>God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
>God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
>WHO DOES WHAT
>A man and his wife were having an argument about who
>should brew the coffee each morning.
>The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first,
>and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
>The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and
>you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for
>my coffee."
>Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
>that the man should do the coffee."
>Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
>So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
>and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed
>says.........."HEBREWS"
>THE SILENT TREATMENT
>A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving
>each
>other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next
>day,
>he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning
>business
>flight.
>Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he
>wrote on a piece
>of paper,
>"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find
>it.
>The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
>and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and
>see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of
>paper by
>the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
>Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
>God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough
>draft before the masterpiece.

[Dian Rainier]

http://img516.imageshack.us/img516/8436/3dsmile890zg8.gif:p :D COOL!!!

[scooby]

Really funny - loved the Tampons

[Vernon Gaunt]

Man's perfect Breakfast

You're sitting at the breakfast table and:

You're on the cover of Forbes.
Your son is on the box of Wheaties.
Your mistress is on the cover of Play..boy.
Your wife is on the back of the milk carton.

[TinaMarie]

Awww! I'm sorry Vernon Gaunt didn't mean to hurt your feelings! But you have to admit it was funny! No?

[Vernon Gaunt]

Tina, it's not a matter of male pride, lol, just male retribution. Tell as many male jokes as you like! No worries!

But remember! I'll try and keep the male end up!

Metophorically speaking

http://i21.photobucket.com/albums/b278/velvetgloves/kiss.gif

[scooby]

He multi-tasks toooooo - dont you VG - (Tesco's are looking for Trolly-Dollies)
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v335/scoobysue/clownjuggling.gif

[Vernon Gaunt]

Je ! un chariot de chariot ? Je ne pense pas ainsi Scooby. Je continuerai juste ma consultation.

[scooby]

Je ! un chariot de chariot ? Je ne pense pas ainsi Scooby. Je continuerai juste ma consultation.

That had better not be rude VG! You know I only do 2 languages English and Black Country :mad:

[TinaMarie]

Tina, it's not a matter of male pride, lol, just male retribution. Tell as many male jokes as you like! No worries!

But remember! I'll try and keep the male end up!

Metophorically speaking

http://i21.photobucket.com/albums/b278/velvetgloves/kiss.gif


Okay deal!LOL.....

[scooby]

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit
the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books, he turned
to the Rabbi and said: "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do
with the candle drippings?"

"Good question" noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back
to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of
candles."

"Oh" replied the auditor (somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question had a practical answer; but on he went, in his obnoxious
way):
"What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the
crumbs?"

"Ah, yes" replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying
to trap him with an unanswerable question.

"We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every
now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits".

"I see" replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster
the know-it-all Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi" he went on "What do you do with all the leftover
foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste" answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save
up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and once a year
they send us a complete p***k".

[TinaMarie]

LOL...That was funny!

[Silver Star Rose]

Mine would be Doombah Chicken Tush!!

[TinaMarie]

Hello Doombah Chicken Tush! LOL..

[RottieGirl]

I'm Snickle DippinBoob :eek:

[Tiny Duck]

TO: ALL PERSONNEL
FROM: ACCOUNTING

It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous Unproductive Time" (Code 5309). However, we need to know exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time.

Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities.

The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job-code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter.

Thank you,
Accounting

Attached: Extended Job-Code List
Code and Explanation
5316 Useless Meeting

5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting

5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting

5319 Waiting for Break

5320 Waiting for Lunch

5321 Waiting for End of Day

5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker

5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While Coworker is Not Present

5393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend

5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Not Interested in Learning

5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid

5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You

5481 Buying Snack

5482 Eating Snack

5500 Filling Out Timesheet

5501 Inventing Timesheet Entries

5502 Waiting for Something to Happen

5503 Scratching Yourself

5504 Sleeping

5510 Feeling Bored

5511 Feeling Horny

5600 Complaining About Lousy Job

5601 Complaining About Low Pay

5602 Complaining About Long Hours

5603 Complaining About Coworker (See Codes #5322 & #5323)

5604 Complaining About Boss

5605 Complaining About Personal Problems

5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Complaining

5701 Not Actually Present At Job

5702 Suffering From Eight-Hour Flu

6102 Ordering Out

6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive

6104 Taking It Easy While Digesting Food

6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit

6201 Stealing Company Goods

6202 Making Excuses After Accidentally Destroying Company Goods

6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls

6204 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls to Sell Stolen Company Goods

6205 Hiding from Boss

6206 Gossip

6207 Planning a Social Event (e.g. vacation, wedding, etc.)

6210 Feeling Sorry For Yourself

6211 Updating Resume

6212 Faxing Resume to Another Employer/Headhunter

6213 Out of Office on Interview

6221 Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching

6222 Pretending to Enjoy Your Job

6223 Pretending You Like Coworker

6224 Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality They are Jerks

6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing

6350 Playing Pranks on the New Guy/Girl

6601 Running your own Business on Company Time (See Code #6603)

6602 Complaining

6603 Writing a Book on Company Time

6611 Staring Into Space

6612 Staring At Computer Screen

6615 Transcendental Meditation

7281 Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes)

7400 Talking With Divorce Lawyer on Phone

7401 Talking With Plumber on Phone

7402 Talking With Dentist on Phone

7403 Talking With Doctor on Phone

7404 Talking With Masseuse on Phone

7405 Talking With House Painter on Phone

7406 Talking With Personal Therapist on Phone

7419 Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone

7425 Talking With Mistress/Boy-Toy on Phone

7931 Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity

8000 Recreational Drug Use

8001 Non-recreational Drug Use

8002 Liquid Lunch

8100 Reading e-mail

[appeace]

BBBBBWWWaaaaa!!--YUP:rolleyes:

[Dian Rainier]

A recipe on preparing pie /for men/
Take from the refrigerator 10 eggs, leave the seven fit in the table, now wash the floor out Be more careful in future as well.Take a big cup.Break in her edge the eggs and pour their content in the cup. Wash the table from the egg yolks out, be careful. So, we have 5 egg yolks in the cup. Now you accept an electric mixer, situate his nozzles for meddling and beat the egg yolks There isn't nothing, you try again to lay the nozzles.
You break now. Wash your face, your neck, your hands and your back. Get the egg yolk your ears. We as well so now have in cup 2 broken egg yolks, they are necessary for pie.Now coat the walls and the windows of the kitchen with newspapers,and Furnitures too.It is time for us to add the flour on.Stream in a cup of 200 grams,Put them in the cup on the egg yolks,Amass the 800 grams that have gone and return them in the packet.
After persuading itself that the walls and the windows are truly fine papered, you start the breakage of the mixture.Take a shower.Take a 4 big apples and the table knife, Beforehand elapse to the drugstore for iodine, plaster and a bandage.It is time for us to come out to skining the apples.Work the hallux with iodine out and bandage him up!
Slice the apples on small cubes As well remember, Be needed 2 apples,So that, They can in the procedure of the preparing Eat not more than half!Work with iodine the index and the middle finger out and bandage them up.The only had gone as well already chopped on ribbons apple, Put in the bowl.Pick up the remaining from the floor and dump them. Jumble up again with the electric mixer,Wash the refrigerator out, Because If it dries out it washes hard.Now pour the mix in a dripping pan, spread with cooking oil, and put her in the oven.After you wait nearly 1 hour as well if there aren't visible changes you include the bakery.When arousing, Don't call the fire department, It is enough for you to expel the stove,and open the oven and all windows!After the hard experience come to the near tavern. :p :D :D

[StephyC]

Why We Like The British - FROM BRITISH NEWSPAPERS

1) Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph)

2) Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening News)

3) Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)

4) A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (TheTimes)

5) At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. ( Aberdeen Evening Express)

6) Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled.
"He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'" (Bournemouth Evening Echo)

Just gotta love number 2:D

[scooby]

To be read with the best West Indies accent you can muster !

A Jamaican fireman came home from work one day and said to his wife.....

"Y' know sumptin womon, we 'ave a wonderful new system at de fire station."

"Bell 1 rings - we put on our jackets."

"Bell 2 rings - we slide down de pole."

"Bell 3 rings - we jump on de ingine and we,s ready to go."


"From now on womon, when I say, 'Bell one' I want you to strip naked.

"When I say, 'Bell two', you jump on de bed."

"When I say, 'Bell three' we,s gonna mek love al tru de night girl "

The next night he came home and shouted, "Bell One" and the wife stripped naked !

"Bell Two" and she jumped on the bed !

"Bell Three" and they started to make love !

After a few minutes, the wife yelled out, "Bell Four !!! "

"WOMON. what de hell is 'Bell Four' ??

She replied, "Roll out more hose mon.,you ain't nowhere near de fire".......

[appeace]

:eek: :o :rolleyes: :D

[StephyC]

Oh Scooby that is so funny!!!ROFLMAO:D

[fgh2157]

Stephy and Scooby both very funny:) :) :) Thanks so much
Funnyily enough my friend sent me some press cuttings today so maybe you would like to read them

Swimmer trapped by beach ballsA man got a nasty surprise when he tried to
get out of this deckchair and found his
testicles had become stuck between two slats
of wood. Mario Visnjic had been swimming
naked off Valalta beach in Croatia and his
testicles had shrunk in the cool sea. When he
sat down they slipped through the slats and
then, as he lay in the sun, expanded back to
normal size. He was freed after he called
beach maintenance services on his mobile
phone and they sent a member of staff to cut
the deckchair in half.

Well a bit naughty but it made me laugh.

[appeace]

That would be one country Id never show my face in again!!Ackkkkk!:eek:

[CaDonna]

Received this from someone I work with and thought it was pretty funny (we are both blondes!) :p


I urgently needed a few days off work but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "Crazy," then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, so the Boss might think I was "Crazy" & give me a few days off.

A few minutes later, the Boss came into the office and asked, "What in the name of good GOD are you doing?" I told him I was a light bulb. He said, "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."I jumped down & walked out of the office...

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her "...and where do you think you're going?!" (You're gonna love this....)She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark."

[scooby]

They say the two happiest days in life are the day you buy a boat and the day you sell it. Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who sank it. Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening.

Unbeknownst to him, his Brother John's wife, died suddenly. When he got back on shore, he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery store. A kind old neighbour woman mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning.

"Her bottom was all shrivelled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too."

"Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four
guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The darn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle!"

The old woman fainted.

[daisy696]

I love it Scooby, very funny. LMAO:D

[scooby]

Tips for us ladies in 2007:

1. Aspire to be Barbie - the cow has everything.

2. If the shoe fits - buy one in every colour.

3. Take life with a pinch of salt... a wedge of lime, and a shot of tequila.

4. In need of a support group? - Cocktail hour with the girls!

5. Go on the 30 day diet. (I'm on it and so far I've lost 23 days).

6. When life gets you down - just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.

7. Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and this is just my personality.

8. I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here.
9. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

10. Don't get your knickers in a knot, it solves nothing; and makes you walk funny.

11. When life gives you lemons in 2007 - turn it into lemonade then mix it with vodka.

12. Remember every good looking; sweet, single male is someone else's ex boyfriend!

[appeace]

He heheheheso true!:)

[Sam]

Serious Warning - This is serious!!!!!!!!
>
> There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically,
>orally, and by
> hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer
>(WORK).
>
> If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or
>anyone else via
> any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private
>life
> completely.
>
> If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on
>and take two good
> friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote
>known as
> Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE),
> Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER) or my personal
>favorite,
> Victim-Of-Doing-Krappy-Administrative-Stuff (VODKA). Take the
>antidote
> repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your
>system.
>
> You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have
>5
> friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling
>your life.
>
> But do not stress; there is a vaccine available... RETIREMENT!!!
>
>
>
>
:D

[Sam]

60 Years of Marriage

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared
everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets
from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the
top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or
ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day
the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not
recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the
shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.

She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.
When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money
totaling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said,
" my Grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never
argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep
quiet and crochet a doll."

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two
precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two
times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with
happiness.

"Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of this
money? Where did it come from?"

"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls."



A Prayer.......

Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods;
Because Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death, because I don't know how to crochet.


Go Dawgs!!!!!!!!!!

[Sam]

An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing

home.
>
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if
there
was anything wrong.
>
"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My Private Part died today,
and I
am very sad."
>
Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she
replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my
condolences.
>
The following day, Mr Goldstein was walking down the hall with his
"Private
Part" hanging out his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.
>
"Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like

that. Please put your "Private Part" back inside your pajamas."
>
But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday that my

"Private Part" died."
>
"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?"
>
>
>
>
>
>(You gotta love this!!!!!!!!!!!)
>
>
>
>
>
>"Well," he replied, "Today's the viewing."

__:eek::D_________________________________________ ______________________

[TinaMarie]

BIG BIRD~

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown
> ostrich behind him. The
> waitress asks them for their orders.
> The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and
> turns to the
> ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same,"
> says the ostrich.
> A short time later the waitress returns with the
> order "That will be
> $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket
> and pulls out the
> exact change for payment.
>
> The next day, the man and the ostrich come again
> and the man says, "A
> hamburger, fries and a coke."
>
> The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the
> man reaches into his
> pocket and pays with exact change.
>
> This becomes routine until the two enter again.
> "The usual?" asks the
> waitress.
>
> "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak,
> baked potato and a
> salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.
>
> Shortly the waitress brings the order and says,
> "That will be $32.62."
>
> Once again the man pulls the exact change out of
> his pocket and places
> it on the table.
>
> The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any
> longer. "Excuse me,
> Sir. How do you manage to always come up with the
> exact change in your
> pocket every time?"
>
> "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was
> cleaning the attic and
> found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie
> appeared and offered me
> two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had
> to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my
> pocket and the right amount of money would always be
>
> there."
>
> "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most
> people would ask for a
> million dollars or something, but you'll always be
> as rich as you want
> for as long as you live!"
>
> "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a
> Rolls Royce, the
> exact money is always there," says the man.
>
> The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
>
> The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish
> was for a tall chick
> with a big ass and long legs who agrees with
> everything I say."
>
:rolleyes:

[Sam]

:DThat was a good one TinaMarie!! Guess he wasn't so smart with the second wish.

[Blue Topaz]

A snail crawls along the top of a bar and asks the bartender for a beer.

The bartender looks at the snail, picks it up, opens the door, and throws it to the other side of the road.

Two weeks later, the snail crawls along the bar once more and says, "What was all that about?"

[TinaMarie]

This one really cracked me up!:D

Annoying Things To Do On An Elevator

1) CRACK open your briefcase or handbag, peer Inside and ask "Got enough air in there?"

2) STAND silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.

3) WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you're embarrassed when they open themselves.

4) GREET everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.

5) MEOW occasionally.

6) STARE At another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror:
"You're one of THEM" - and back away slowly

7) SAY -DING at each floor.

8) SAY "I wonder what all these do?" And push all the red buttons.

9) MAKE explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

10) STARE, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce:
"I have new socks on."

11) WHEN the elevator is silent, look around and ask: "Is that your beeper?"
12) TRY to make personal calls on the emergency phone.

13) DRAW a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: "This is my personal space."

14) WHEN there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you.

15) PUSH the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

16) ASK if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.

17) HOLD the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while,
let the doors close and say "Hi Greg, How's your day been?"

18) DROP a pen and wail until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: "That's mine!"

19) BRING a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.

20) PRETEND you're a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the Passengers.

[TinaMarie]

:DThat was a good one TinaMarie!! Guess he wasn't so smart with the second wish.

Better watch what u wish for ,huh?lol...:D :o